the lightbulb effect

What do you do if your long standing perception of something or someone is challenged? Or worse still, when you realise you misread your own thoughts, beliefs about yourself that have changed or become clear in a different light? I thought i liked my on off beau because he was difficult, lazy, and self destructive, because i thrive on flaws as i can use these as excuses to run away, i hate commitment... or so i thought. It has come to my attention that the real reason i keep going back to this boy is not to keep myself at a distance by choosing him for his annoyances, but in fact because i don't know what he is thinking, i hate having a plan, knowing what his next move will be is boring, i like spontaneity, drama, the thrill of the unknown. All this time i was angry with myself for allowing him to disappoint me, when i have only just recognised that truthfully, i am not disappointed at all.