once labelled, the label you shall become

It is a Saturday night and i am sat in, watching a film and eating pizza with my boyfriend. I could blame it on my lack of money to benefit a night out dancing; I could say it is because of the poor weather that I refuse to step outside, I could even put it down to my lack of sleep. However in all honesty, the only real reason i am in with him, instead of out with them, is love. Yes it is true, for the second time in my short 21 years of life, i have fallen in love with a man, but this time it feels right, he is right, i am right, everything fits perfectly into lifes little jigsaw puzzle. But now what? just be happy with it? wait for the axe to fall? I have never been a girl who is happy with everything for a decent period of time, if i find that i am, i grow bored and i do terrible wicked things to mess up my life, solidly for a breif period of drama and excitment. Lets see how long this happiness lark lasts now shall we...

because destroying your life is more fun, and theres less tears

Life was so much easier when i played the slut, home wrecker, whore or whatever your choice of words. My character was simple, have fun, care less, deal with the consequences to my actions in future years. Well now the past is starting to catch up with me and it aint no fun. However far i run, my ex seems to be waiting casually around each major corner. And my will power just keeps getting weaker with age. I like my current beau alot more than i intended to, but like isn't love, and isn't love the reason we wake up in the morning? The reason we live our lives? The solution to this problem would be to allow myself to fall deeply for the current squeeze, but he will never love me and even me in my nievity will refuse to bet on a dying horse. So it is break up with them both and hope that all is not lost, or surf the wave of fun, free, and happiness that is my early 20's fling and wait for the depressive stage of loneliness to kick in until i eventually give up on my heart and settle in to the destructiveness of love with my ex. Whatever happens,

iron out the knots

As if life isn't enough of a complicated mess, someone somewhere has to throw love into the equation and tangle it up further. So when your emotions are feeling pretty strained and your not sure which way your heart is pulling you just take a deep breathe and let it play out naturally. Lets face it, when something is supposed to happen it will, if you rely on nothing else you can trust in fate. If you like what you have, and your ex tries to mess it up with those three little worlds, i love you, you should always follow your head and ignore it, remember you broke up for a reason. However love makes you do stupid things, and the stupidest thing you will ever do for love (and this is not limited to a one time only mistake) is to follow your heart

once sold out, forever on the market

Who can you trust? How many times in your life have you been let down? Sorry for the deep emoish questions but if i can't ask them, would you ever ask yourself? And believe me, these answers will be important. Sometimes in life you have to hit rock bottom to realize it really is possible to pick yourself up again. I am a person who has constantly been let down by life and men, don't get me wrong i also believe in luck and beauty and all things fun and spontaneous, however i am also aware that in life you can and should only rely upon yourself, perhaps this is what jades my seeded opinion of men. They will make and break promises, set you up and let you down, stand you up on dates, tell you what you want to hear then disappear. The truth about men is that they are both cowardly and not very clever. As in when it comes to emotions and common sense they are totally and completely clueless, the more we rely in them the more we will be disappointed. Expect nothing and you will never get let down. And ladies.. when the world ends i'd rather be in the position of the sexy gun wielding heroines alice (resident evil) or lara (tomb raider) than those male egotistical 'blow up or give up' characters. If women decided to rule the world, men would quickly die out.

don't play with fire if you don't intend on getting burnt

I happy with my love life. Blatant lie, who is ever happy with their love life? Either it is too perfect, too dramatic or just non existent. I do however like my boyfriend of roughly four months, this is not a lie. My problem, as much as those who know me cannot understand why, is that i am still in love with my ex. This fire is fueled by the fact that we contact each other more often now, than we did when we were together, and also by the fact that he continues to tell me how much he regrets our break up and that he loves me. Despite knowing that what I have now is considerably better for my emotional well-being, I feel a somehow stronger connection to my ex. My explanation for this? That my current boyfriend is the buffer of the problems that before caused tension, these problems can now be ignored, perhaps even forgotten. This really isn't a solution though, a solution would be to cut one of them out of my love life to make room for the other.

The heart is a closet, when you move on to the next season, you need room, so clear it out completely... skeletons included.

the line between love and hate is thin

the commitment phobe has got a boyfriend, and as soon as it became official i felt the need to run as fast as i could off that relationship island. Lets face it guys i may have been given the society tag of one half of a whole but ill never truly be tied down, I'm still not convinced love exists or that if it does i will ever find it... but I'm one step closer to discovering what it is that draws two people to spend a lifetime together (most ending in divorce so lifetime is stretching it a little) and to understand what is today a major money making market e.g. valentines day, anniversaries and other such couple endued selling schemes. Even talking about it is scaring me, if I'm still attached next week i may celebrate; Remember I'm on the way to understanding, who said I'm ever going to buy into this stuff...?

a puzzle solved

It is understandable for me to sleep around with men when you know the facts. I was raised in many ways, to be a strong confident woman, able to hold her own in situations where pressure is present. I am able to create a safety net for myself through the power of wit, also i am almost an expert at playing the chameleon as in i can adapt to charm anyone in any situation. However in some ways i was brought up by a controlling parent who threatened, and mentally abused us, recently i became an adult and i realise i am still being emotionally blackmailed. This provided insecurities from an early onset, which mounted to an entire closet of self worthlessness as i progressed through boyfriends, to gain some sort of ego i would sleep with other men inbetween, and as the achievement wore off and the shame grew i sunk my teeth into more and more men, challenging myself. Finally I have settled down but i know any moment i could slip up, after all a childhood of low self esteem usually entails years of outburst from repression. Why i believed luring a man into bed was a challenge i do not know, because as is human, men do not know the meaning of the word challenge, especially when it comes to sex