the line between love and hate is thin

the commitment phobe has got a boyfriend, and as soon as it became official i felt the need to run as fast as i could off that relationship island. Lets face it guys i may have been given the society tag of one half of a whole but ill never truly be tied down, I'm still not convinced love exists or that if it does i will ever find it... but I'm one step closer to discovering what it is that draws two people to spend a lifetime together (most ending in divorce so lifetime is stretching it a little) and to understand what is today a major money making market e.g. valentines day, anniversaries and other such couple endued selling schemes. Even talking about it is scaring me, if I'm still attached next week i may celebrate; Remember I'm on the way to understanding, who said I'm ever going to buy into this stuff...?

a puzzle solved

It is understandable for me to sleep around with men when you know the facts. I was raised in many ways, to be a strong confident woman, able to hold her own in situations where pressure is present. I am able to create a safety net for myself through the power of wit, also i am almost an expert at playing the chameleon as in i can adapt to charm anyone in any situation. However in some ways i was brought up by a controlling parent who threatened, and mentally abused us, recently i became an adult and i realise i am still being emotionally blackmailed. This provided insecurities from an early onset, which mounted to an entire closet of self worthlessness as i progressed through boyfriends, to gain some sort of ego i would sleep with other men inbetween, and as the achievement wore off and the shame grew i sunk my teeth into more and more men, challenging myself. Finally I have settled down but i know any moment i could slip up, after all a childhood of low self esteem usually entails years of outburst from repression. Why i believed luring a man into bed was a challenge i do not know, because as is human, men do not know the meaning of the word challenge, especially when it comes to sex

learn love from books

As you probably well know by now, i am not so great at relationships. That is what lead me to read the book "he's just not that into you" and lets be honest that book is complete brilliance, what brutality, straight talking and the cold hard truth, even if it dampens your take on romance, and leaves you with crossed legs for a couple of years, it can be totally worth it. I am not a girly girl but even i admit to fantasizing about the times of courtship and chase you only read about in historical books.

After reading this book i forced myself to realize like a slap in the face, the men i was currently pursuing, just weren't interested in me for whatever reason. And even worse, i knew the heartbreaking feeling, yet i persisted to lead on my newest toy boy, because at the end of the day, you know its wrong, you know the chase will end in tears but you do it to feel. Whatever the feeling, be it anger, humiliation, hurt, guilt or devastation, sometimes getting your heart broken lets you feel something where you would otherwise be empty. Also lets face it, how can we learn from our mistakes if we refuse to make them in the first place..?