once sold out, forever on the market

Who can you trust? How many times in your life have you been let down? Sorry for the deep emoish questions but if i can't ask them, would you ever ask yourself? And believe me, these answers will be important. Sometimes in life you have to hit rock bottom to realize it really is possible to pick yourself up again. I am a person who has constantly been let down by life and men, don't get me wrong i also believe in luck and beauty and all things fun and spontaneous, however i am also aware that in life you can and should only rely upon yourself, perhaps this is what jades my seeded opinion of men. They will make and break promises, set you up and let you down, stand you up on dates, tell you what you want to hear then disappear. The truth about men is that they are both cowardly and not very clever. As in when it comes to emotions and common sense they are totally and completely clueless, the more we rely in them the more we will be disappointed. Expect nothing and you will never get let down. And ladies.. when the world ends i'd rather be in the position of the sexy gun wielding heroines alice (resident evil) or lara (tomb raider) than those male egotistical 'blow up or give up' characters. If women decided to rule the world, men would quickly die out.

don't play with fire if you don't intend on getting burnt

I happy with my love life. Blatant lie, who is ever happy with their love life? Either it is too perfect, too dramatic or just non existent. I do however like my boyfriend of roughly four months, this is not a lie. My problem, as much as those who know me cannot understand why, is that i am still in love with my ex. This fire is fueled by the fact that we contact each other more often now, than we did when we were together, and also by the fact that he continues to tell me how much he regrets our break up and that he loves me. Despite knowing that what I have now is considerably better for my emotional well-being, I feel a somehow stronger connection to my ex. My explanation for this? That my current boyfriend is the buffer of the problems that before caused tension, these problems can now be ignored, perhaps even forgotten. This really isn't a solution though, a solution would be to cut one of them out of my love life to make room for the other.

The heart is a closet, when you move on to the next season, you need room, so clear it out completely... skeletons included.

the line between love and hate is thin

the commitment phobe has got a boyfriend, and as soon as it became official i felt the need to run as fast as i could off that relationship island. Lets face it guys i may have been given the society tag of one half of a whole but ill never truly be tied down, I'm still not convinced love exists or that if it does i will ever find it... but I'm one step closer to discovering what it is that draws two people to spend a lifetime together (most ending in divorce so lifetime is stretching it a little) and to understand what is today a major money making market e.g. valentines day, anniversaries and other such couple endued selling schemes. Even talking about it is scaring me, if I'm still attached next week i may celebrate; Remember I'm on the way to understanding, who said I'm ever going to buy into this stuff...?

a puzzle solved

It is understandable for me to sleep around with men when you know the facts. I was raised in many ways, to be a strong confident woman, able to hold her own in situations where pressure is present. I am able to create a safety net for myself through the power of wit, also i am almost an expert at playing the chameleon as in i can adapt to charm anyone in any situation. However in some ways i was brought up by a controlling parent who threatened, and mentally abused us, recently i became an adult and i realise i am still being emotionally blackmailed. This provided insecurities from an early onset, which mounted to an entire closet of self worthlessness as i progressed through boyfriends, to gain some sort of ego i would sleep with other men inbetween, and as the achievement wore off and the shame grew i sunk my teeth into more and more men, challenging myself. Finally I have settled down but i know any moment i could slip up, after all a childhood of low self esteem usually entails years of outburst from repression. Why i believed luring a man into bed was a challenge i do not know, because as is human, men do not know the meaning of the word challenge, especially when it comes to sex

learn love from books

As you probably well know by now, i am not so great at relationships. That is what lead me to read the book "he's just not that into you" and lets be honest that book is complete brilliance, what brutality, straight talking and the cold hard truth, even if it dampens your take on romance, and leaves you with crossed legs for a couple of years, it can be totally worth it. I am not a girly girl but even i admit to fantasizing about the times of courtship and chase you only read about in historical books.

After reading this book i forced myself to realize like a slap in the face, the men i was currently pursuing, just weren't interested in me for whatever reason. And even worse, i knew the heartbreaking feeling, yet i persisted to lead on my newest toy boy, because at the end of the day, you know its wrong, you know the chase will end in tears but you do it to feel. Whatever the feeling, be it anger, humiliation, hurt, guilt or devastation, sometimes getting your heart broken lets you feel something where you would otherwise be empty. Also lets face it, how can we learn from our mistakes if we refuse to make them in the first place..?

Look but never see

I hate being analyzed, mainly because i believe i am an easy person to read. I try to be spontaneous but now I'm doing such crazy things on a regular basis its almost expected. It's as if i can't shock anyone with a tale of my crazy adventures anymore, it's even getting difficult to surprise myself. The truth is i have a basic life plan, there's some ace traveling and face my fears activities involved, but its going to take hard work and dedication to get there. This is probably because I'm too afraid to make the things i want to happen, happen now you see.

On the outside, i'm confident, non committed and careless. On the inside I'm desperately insecure, i allow little stresses to build up till i snap, and i fall in love as easily as ice-cream melts in the sun. This my friends, is caused by a string of relationship mishaps including the relationship i have with my dysfunctional parents, the misuse of love and sex with my very first true partner, and having welcoming access to statistics showing love and romance like marriage is dead. Lets face it folks, if it's doomed from the start... is there really any point in starting it at all?

love comes in many forms

I am emotionally spent. I am currently working on a ward for the elderly who are severely ill, this means death is a daily occurrence in my life. This week I have seen more disappearance of souls than you may see in your lifetime and it has been putting a lot of stress on me, I have been going home at the end of the day and easily going through half a bottle of white, no problem. But after the stress then comes the sadness, I am emotionally spent, I mentally have no energy, my brain wants to dream about happiness for a while, whereas my body is still pretty high on adrenaline. And the worst part...i cant seem to shed a tear, so here comes the cleansing process, watching the most tear inducing film i can find and conjuring images of loved ones who have passed, i need these tears, until they fall my heart feels too pathetic, rejected, alone, the beginning of what i like to call, love depression. Although the love causing this pain isn't because of a boy im lusting over, doesn't mean its not just as bad, perhaps it's worse, after all this love is as real as the salt water trapped behind my eyes.