once sold out, forever on the market

Who can you trust? How many times in your life have you been let down? Sorry for the deep emoish questions but if i can't ask them, would you ever ask yourself? And believe me, these answers will be important. Sometimes in life you have to hit rock bottom to realize it really is possible to pick yourself up again. I am a person who has constantly been let down by life and men, don't get me wrong i also believe in luck and beauty and all things fun and spontaneous, however i am also aware that in life you can and should only rely upon yourself, perhaps this is what jades my seeded opinion of men. They will make and break promises, set you up and let you down, stand you up on dates, tell you what you want to hear then disappear. The truth about men is that they are both cowardly and not very clever. As in when it comes to emotions and common sense they are totally and completely clueless, the more we rely in them the more we will be disappointed. Expect nothing and you will never get let down. And ladies.. when the world ends i'd rather be in the position of the sexy gun wielding heroines alice (resident evil) or lara (tomb raider) than those male egotistical 'blow up or give up' characters. If women decided to rule the world, men would quickly die out.

don't play with fire if you don't intend on getting burnt

I happy with my love life. Blatant lie, who is ever happy with their love life? Either it is too perfect, too dramatic or just non existent. I do however like my boyfriend of roughly four months, this is not a lie. My problem, as much as those who know me cannot understand why, is that i am still in love with my ex. This fire is fueled by the fact that we contact each other more often now, than we did when we were together, and also by the fact that he continues to tell me how much he regrets our break up and that he loves me. Despite knowing that what I have now is considerably better for my emotional well-being, I feel a somehow stronger connection to my ex. My explanation for this? That my current boyfriend is the buffer of the problems that before caused tension, these problems can now be ignored, perhaps even forgotten. This really isn't a solution though, a solution would be to cut one of them out of my love life to make room for the other.

The heart is a closet, when you move on to the next season, you need room, so clear it out completely... skeletons included.

the line between love and hate is thin

the commitment phobe has got a boyfriend, and as soon as it became official i felt the need to run as fast as i could off that relationship island. Lets face it guys i may have been given the society tag of one half of a whole but ill never truly be tied down, I'm still not convinced love exists or that if it does i will ever find it... but I'm one step closer to discovering what it is that draws two people to spend a lifetime together (most ending in divorce so lifetime is stretching it a little) and to understand what is today a major money making market e.g. valentines day, anniversaries and other such couple endued selling schemes. Even talking about it is scaring me, if I'm still attached next week i may celebrate; Remember I'm on the way to understanding, who said I'm ever going to buy into this stuff...?

a puzzle solved

It is understandable for me to sleep around with men when you know the facts. I was raised in many ways, to be a strong confident woman, able to hold her own in situations where pressure is present. I am able to create a safety net for myself through the power of wit, also i am almost an expert at playing the chameleon as in i can adapt to charm anyone in any situation. However in some ways i was brought up by a controlling parent who threatened, and mentally abused us, recently i became an adult and i realise i am still being emotionally blackmailed. This provided insecurities from an early onset, which mounted to an entire closet of self worthlessness as i progressed through boyfriends, to gain some sort of ego i would sleep with other men inbetween, and as the achievement wore off and the shame grew i sunk my teeth into more and more men, challenging myself. Finally I have settled down but i know any moment i could slip up, after all a childhood of low self esteem usually entails years of outburst from repression. Why i believed luring a man into bed was a challenge i do not know, because as is human, men do not know the meaning of the word challenge, especially when it comes to sex

learn love from books

As you probably well know by now, i am not so great at relationships. That is what lead me to read the book "he's just not that into you" and lets be honest that book is complete brilliance, what brutality, straight talking and the cold hard truth, even if it dampens your take on romance, and leaves you with crossed legs for a couple of years, it can be totally worth it. I am not a girly girl but even i admit to fantasizing about the times of courtship and chase you only read about in historical books.

After reading this book i forced myself to realize like a slap in the face, the men i was currently pursuing, just weren't interested in me for whatever reason. And even worse, i knew the heartbreaking feeling, yet i persisted to lead on my newest toy boy, because at the end of the day, you know its wrong, you know the chase will end in tears but you do it to feel. Whatever the feeling, be it anger, humiliation, hurt, guilt or devastation, sometimes getting your heart broken lets you feel something where you would otherwise be empty. Also lets face it, how can we learn from our mistakes if we refuse to make them in the first place..?

Look but never see

I hate being analyzed, mainly because i believe i am an easy person to read. I try to be spontaneous but now I'm doing such crazy things on a regular basis its almost expected. It's as if i can't shock anyone with a tale of my crazy adventures anymore, it's even getting difficult to surprise myself. The truth is i have a basic life plan, there's some ace traveling and face my fears activities involved, but its going to take hard work and dedication to get there. This is probably because I'm too afraid to make the things i want to happen, happen now you see.

On the outside, i'm confident, non committed and careless. On the inside I'm desperately insecure, i allow little stresses to build up till i snap, and i fall in love as easily as ice-cream melts in the sun. This my friends, is caused by a string of relationship mishaps including the relationship i have with my dysfunctional parents, the misuse of love and sex with my very first true partner, and having welcoming access to statistics showing love and romance like marriage is dead. Lets face it folks, if it's doomed from the start... is there really any point in starting it at all?

love comes in many forms

I am emotionally spent. I am currently working on a ward for the elderly who are severely ill, this means death is a daily occurrence in my life. This week I have seen more disappearance of souls than you may see in your lifetime and it has been putting a lot of stress on me, I have been going home at the end of the day and easily going through half a bottle of white, no problem. But after the stress then comes the sadness, I am emotionally spent, I mentally have no energy, my brain wants to dream about happiness for a while, whereas my body is still pretty high on adrenaline. And the worst part...i cant seem to shed a tear, so here comes the cleansing process, watching the most tear inducing film i can find and conjuring images of loved ones who have passed, i need these tears, until they fall my heart feels too pathetic, rejected, alone, the beginning of what i like to call, love depression. Although the love causing this pain isn't because of a boy im lusting over, doesn't mean its not just as bad, perhaps it's worse, after all this love is as real as the salt water trapped behind my eyes.

gym bunny

Porn, dildo's and fancy dress... whats your secret turn on? everybody has a wild side, lets not be afraid to let it loose. What transforms sex from your average night in to a crazy bed breaking session of passion? Whether it's pain, compramising positions or some naughty role playing the only way your going to enjoy your sex life is if you let your inner beast free and start asking your partner for it, and if they refuse? get out of there girl! what's the point of life with another half if they don't fulfill the one need which makes life actually fun and worth sticking around for? And lets face it, what girl would rather shed the pounds in a gym, when a bedroom workout can burn just as much calories?
So take that scrunchie out, dig deep for those sexy red undies, leave the bra in the draw and don't be afraid to say yes, or rather...scream it

playtime

Men are easy, it's women who really run this world, mainly by ruling the men whose hearts they eat. Find me a man who won't cheat and i'll show you it's not his moralls holding him back, but rather the woman who has hold of his balls. This is because there is only one reason a man won't cheat, and no that reason is not love. You can be the best lover, the best friend or even both to your man and believe me if it's offered on a plate elsewhere, he'll happily devour it. The only woman in the world a man will never desert or want to disapoint is his mother. So crush his ego, crush his balls, and crush his self esteem, these are the factors that create chains, chains that keep him faithful. However who wants to play mummy to a grown man? let him stray, when the cats away the mouse can play. If he won't stray, you ca't play...and wheres the fun in that?

the lightbulb effect

What do you do if your long standing perception of something or someone is challenged? Or worse still, when you realise you misread your own thoughts, beliefs about yourself that have changed or become clear in a different light? I thought i liked my on off beau because he was difficult, lazy, and self destructive, because i thrive on flaws as i can use these as excuses to run away, i hate commitment... or so i thought. It has come to my attention that the real reason i keep going back to this boy is not to keep myself at a distance by choosing him for his annoyances, but in fact because i don't know what he is thinking, i hate having a plan, knowing what his next move will be is boring, i like spontaneity, drama, the thrill of the unknown. All this time i was angry with myself for allowing him to disappoint me, when i have only just recognised that truthfully, i am not disappointed at all.

second guessing the opposite sex

I like to think that when it comes to relationships, i know myself quite well. I know my type, i understand what encourages me and what deters me from entering into a relationship. I don't trust men i have a fixed slightly sexist view of them and what they want from me, or women in general. This perhaps is the reason for my recent mistake in love, I met a guy and we had fun but i took this to mean light, meaningless and nothing too deep, which is great but i also decided this meant i could only have a purely sexual relationship with the guy. He by the way did not have a choice or say in how casual i was keeping it. And a year after it began he has snapped, telling me that sex is not the answer to everything, making it clear to me that this boy has feelings, and maybe just maybe *gasp* some of these feelings involve me. From this i have had the revelation that communication really is the key to a healthy relationship, although... can anyone really call love healthy?

what's the craziest thing you've done lately?

When all you can think about is the boy, surround yourself with friends and drama, there is nothing more distracting than the punch line of a plot that falls into your boring little universe and shoves all your routine plans out of sync. So ask yourself now... what's the craziest thing you've done lately? If the answer is nothing, get your friends over or just wander out into the big bad world and make some new ones, the more you put yourself out there, the more fun you'll have.

You have the biggest opportunity as its the summer holiday, get out in the sunshine, buy yourself and a lonely neighbor a pint of good old Carlsberg and travel wherever the wind takes you on your wild adventures. I leave you with a fond little quote i picked up from St Augustine "the world is a book, if you don't travel, you only read one page" use this in your day to day adventures as well as your physical summer travels my loves

you only get one first impression

Friends are best kept close, but everyone knows it's your enemies who are better kept closer. Manipulating people is an art, it requires time, effort and a little self confidence, without these and practice you won't go anywhere. It is an art because not everyone can do it, and i don't mean the kind of manipulation that druggies use to beg for money for their next fix, or the kind that loser next door does to obtain a free fag/ fiver/ ride to the party...this kind of manipulation is that of the amatures, and it will never last, people aren't that thick, they catch on.

No, i mean the type of manipulation where by you make friends with people, purely on the benefits they can provide you with, for example i have a friend with a holiday house in thailand, cool if i need free acomo next time I'm traveling, and a friend who works in a designer handbag store with tasty discounts, and a friend who's boyfriend is well off and will quite literally keep the drinks coming on a night out. You see the art behind manipulation is to befriend the person whilst you don't need them because you never know how soon, but at some point they are going to come in handy...

love games

Playing affaires is alot more fun than playing happy families, however in this game someone nearly always gets hurt. The art of playing affaires is simple; you can flirt all you want with a taken man but you cannot expect anything to come out of it. However depending on how into drama they were at highschool, you may have a hard time decifering the truth behind "I'm going to dump my girlfriend for you". This brings you to the danger line, which if crossed becomes less of a game, but more of a full blown, all out, feelings get trampled on kind of an affair. At the end of the day you know his love will triumph over the other woman...so play nicely

highschool sweethearts

I can guarentee you know a couple, like I did, the highschool sweethearts...they've been together for as long as you can remember, and just like a bad american teen rom com, he works at the local supemarket, that cute checkout boy who helps you pack your groceries on a saturday morning, and she got into university but was forced to drop out before the end of first year due to falling pregnant. Now don't get me wrong this could work, sometimes they truely love each other, and they won't really start losing their looks untill they're at least 35, but thats just not me. For those of you like me who get bored far too quickly these roles have been overplayed and the scipts already written, i like a bit of variation, some naughtiness in my life. Now im all for those single mothers who were pregnant at 16, they are heroines in my eyes, they'll be partying with they're daughters when i'll still be forcing mine to sit and have coffee with me, but married woman at 16 are so tied down. Think about it, a kid can go anywhere in the world with you, they believe in the same things you do, will always love and support you because they know no better, but a man..? They are the downfall of dreams that involve freedom...believe me

dirty talk

What turns you on? Be truthful, not with me but with yourself, if your not yet comfortable with your skin how can anyone else? Ok so next time your having sex and your staring at the ceiling thinking 'shit did i leave the oven on' or 'damn i could be finishing that paper on fish dissection right now' you need to realise a little excitiment should be injected into your sex life..whether it's bondage, anal or simpley doing it behind your old bike shed get out of the routine and take control.
I can say this because i have never really been in a rut, and even if the sex isn't great my friends will vouch for me, the stories afterwards are always good fun. For example the first time a man talked dirrrty to me i was so caught off by his inappropriate questions i was answering them like a spotty teenager on a bad quiz show..*Ozzie "Do you like it when i fuck you hard?" Me "Erm yes sir, no sir, i really have no clue sir, can i pass on this one?"
My point being even if your biggest fantasy ends up more comical than orgasmic, you would never know unless you took the plunge, and besides it makes for some good friendship giggles for years to come

roll off stay off

How acceptable is it to be drunk during sex? There are experiences in the past where me and the person I slept with shared a couple of beers before hand, we were tipsy, it lightened the mood and introduced some much needed confidence into the bedroom. Then there is that one experience where I was so compeletely out of my mind on alcohol that the only part of sex I recall is watching the person roll off next to me and the words "is that it" floating uncontrollably out of my mouth, and as they stormed off hurt and embarrassed the only thought in my head was "how far from the toilet am I?" This is a dangerous drunk, I was lucky the person I bedded was a friend of sorts.
The problem with drinking is somtimes you don't know when to stop. If you are one of these people it probably says alot about your sex life too, that is why you need solid friends who know when enough is enough. Work out what your aim of the night is and take it from there...
What I am trying to say is, if you are going to have sex, it's probably best to stick to a limit of 2 light beers, and if you are going to drink, take a friend with good judgment skills along for the night.

how many is too many?

How many people do you have to sleep with before you gain a degrading title? Does your age get considered? Your personality? If I told you the number of people I had slept with would you automatically judge me? I suppose it would depend on how open minded the person judging would be, and whether you knew if i was a man or a woman. If you know nothing else about the people I bed, know this, there is a story behind each one, I remember each one and don't regret any.

I know people who have met and stayed with one person most of their life and they are desperate to have a 'break' or simply cheat on their other half. Then I know people who have cheated, or waited out their 5 year relationship only to realise thats not the path they wanted to walk. Then there are people like me, who just don't settle into a relationship so find comfort and sex in multiple partners with no steady role.
Don't judge a person on the number of people they have slept with, but by the number of people they brag to afterwards.

the list

When i turned 16 a close friend with a similar outlook on life and sex as myself shared a piece of advice with me, I cannot say if it's good or bad advice but I took it, processed it and still use it to this day, if nothing else it injects a little fun into my life. The list is conducted of 6 names, all these names are invidiual to each person, but the title behind each name is the same. The names on the list entitle me to have sex with any of them at any time in any place, irrelevant of my other half or their other half.

1. My best friend's brother/sister
2. My brother/sister's best friend
3. My boss
4. The boy/girl next door
5. The family best friend
6. My teacher/lecturer

If any one of these people make a move you are given a free pass to react how you choose, however I wouldn't advise you tell your other half, that could end badly. There are no rules or guidlines for the list, as you will have guessed by now only bored, eternally single or bitchy people have one...

how it feels to be the other woman

What makes men cheat on their other half? Is it the thrill? Being able to fulfill a fantasy? I believe it's knowing they still can. What makes a woman cheat? I was jelous, I felt wanted, perhaps even needed, even though looking back it could have been any woman. I justified it by belittling his girlfriend, it was her fault, and his fault and not one part my own. The deal breaker was that this girlfriend, was once a best friend of mine, we had just grown apart. So is cheating on a friend worse than cheating on a stranger? Absoluetly, I had a duty to her which I not only broke, but stomped into the ground then rubbed in her face.
It must have been painful and humiliating for her, but the worst part is a year later she has moved on, put it behind her, and I still feel guilty, regretful of ruining a solid friendship. More than that while she found her trust in a new boyfriend, I am the one scared of relationships, unable to believe that any man can be faithful.
I guess the thing to understand when your the other woman is, the joke is on you.